Okay, for starters forgive the title. I'd thought about doing this in iambic pentameter, but since I'm writing this for practical purposes, I'll stick with practical language.
Not that my opinion much means shit, but this is my page and if you don't like the fact that I'm about to spout about the finest handgun to be found anywhere, in my less than fucking humble opinion, go surf TBN, damn it.
Anyway, (insert the drum roll here) no one ever has (or probably, ever will) produce a better handgun than the Beretta 92FS. Period. Full stop.
First things first. Not everything Beretta puts out is the godsend that the FS is. Their tactical shotguns leave a bit to be desired. I don't trust anybody's .40, since the flight and performance characteristics of the round itself are too damn hinky to bother building a round around. Also, Beretta could send me a crate full of those damn little tilt-barrel .22 or .25s and I'd run right out and swap it for one Glock 26 or 30. We also ain't talking about the company here (even though they are the world's oldest firearms manufacturer and have more of their collective shit together than nearly anybody else out there. The fucking mugwumps at Colt could learn about 50,000 things from one day at the Beretta plant).
We're talking about the 92FS. It's the finest handgun ever made for the following three reasons:
First: Reliability. You can have all the pretty gold trim, sexy plate frills; stop a rhino dead in its tracks if you can hit the damn thing stopping power and sleek, sexy "performance enhancing" accoutrements like optics, compensators, et friggin' cetera on the planet, but if your gun won't touch off a round and put it right where you tell it to every time to squeeze the trigger it ain't a tool; it's a prop.
I've heard the Colt 1911 (and its clones) praised as the starting and stopping point of autoloading firearms technology. This argument leaves me confused as to whether I should puke or chuckle in the face of the idiots who make it. The 1911 is about as dependable as a Bill Clinton policy statement.
There's a reason it seems everybody who has one of the damn things has custom work done to it. Unlike Harley motorcycles, which get custom work done to them for personal aesthetics, the 1911 needs custom work just to function as it should. The slide release is way too far forward. The slide fit is sloppier than my bedroom at 16. The stock trigger is just downright ugly to pull (something completely inexcusable in a single action), and the sights tend to drift like a hooker's attention on a Saturday night. When you take into account Colt's shitty feed ramp, metallurgy problems, cruddy magazines, shifting sights, shoddy workmanship and generally sorry construction, you better believe I'd spend the cost of the gun over again to get it tweaked for performance.
Caswell's, one of my favorite area gun shops, has what they call a "reliability package" in which, for $150, they'll do a trigger job, polish the feed ramp and do something else I don't recall off the top of my head for ya. It's available on any gun they sell, but they highly recommend it for any 1911. Gee, I wonder why.
I've also heard the praises of Sig sung much too much for my taste. I've heard that Sig has gotten better in the last few years, and sure fucking hope so. However, I've only ever shot two Sigs in my life, and neither of them fed for shit. If you could get the brand new Federal or Remington cartridge down the pipe, they were nicely accurate pistols, but if you can't get the round fed the shit stops right then and there.
My Beretta, on the other hand, has never coughed, blanched or hiccuped with whatever I try to put down her gullet. She's a genuine slut in that regard. If it'll go in the hole, she'll work with it. I've put god only knows how many rounds through that thing and I've had two jams. Ever. Both were from improperly seated reloads. I can't think of another firearm out there that can make that statement as a matter of design rather than a lucky manufacturing fluke in an individual piece.
Also, let's not forget the fact that Sig stabbed every honest shooter in the back this year when they announced that their two most popular combat models would henceforth be available only for cop and military purchase. They could make the finest handgun in the world and I wouldn't take one for free after that, for the same reason my home is a Ruger-free zone. If folks (like Jason and Heather or my friend Charles, for instance) happen to come over with Rugers on their hips, they're perfectly welcome in my home, but Bastard Bill will never get a fucking cent out of my pocket for his Brady-loving, magazine capacity restricting, continually covering his own ass rather than looking out for his customers policies, general cowardice and outright surrender in the war of attrition that is modern American gun policy.
Now, on to Glock. I can't say a thing against them. You can drag a Glock through a riverbed, pick it up, shake it off and (after making sure the barrel is free from obstruction, of course) shoot a bad guy deader than Andy Gibb. My only gripe with Glock falls under item two in this little rant.
Second: Ergonomics. The 92FS feels and looks good. Now, I don't mind the fact that every full-sized weapon Glock manufactures looks like a big wedge cut out of a jet black hamhock. What I mind is that every full-sized weapon Glock manufactures feels like a big wedge cut out of a jet black hamhock. They're just two unwieldy for me to draw, acquire and shoot quickly and accurately.
That being said, it's common knowledge that Jason (my beloved benefactor on this page) regularly out-shoots me and my 92FS with his big, ugly Glock 21. However, let it be known that Jason also out-shoots me with my own pistol. He's a better shot than I am. Period. In all the times we've shot against each other, I've outscored him one time. I really think I could use any weapon I want and give Jason a Daewoo with the grips on backward and he'd shoot better than I do. The boy is eerily good.
However, back to the point, damn near anyone can pick up a Beretta and shoot it. It's a big pistol, but not so big that an adult of either gender can't pick it up, wrap thumb and middle finger around it and squeeze off one-hole groups. Lots of people can't do that with a Glock or other high-cap pistol because they're just too damn unwieldy.
The only other full-sized pistol I can think of with similar quality ergonomics is the Browning Hi-Power. One big problem with the BHP, though is issue 3 of why Beretta rules...
Third: Universality. Because it's been (one of) the US military's designated sidearms since the mid-1980s, there are an awful lot of surplus parts and accessories around for the 92FS. While Glock owners have to scrounge around like beggars looking for extra, original, hi-cap mags (particularly for the 21 - trust me, I know; my wife has one), I can still pick up 15 rounders for $25 at most decent gun shows. I can also get replacement parts for a song should I ever need them (knock wood). Going back to the reliability thing, it should be noted that after firing 10s of 1000s of rounds I've needed one repair on my 92FS: the trigger return spring broke. The cost for that repair, by the way, was $6 for the part, $20 for the labor and some little bit of extortion for sales tax.
I can also go just about anywhere in the world (assuming I were dumb enough to travel internationally with a military grade side arm) and find ammo and parts for my Beretta if I need them. You can't say that about .45s, and you can't say that about a lot of other 9mms.
While I'm on the subject of .45s and 9mms, let me address those shitheads who have an actual side in the ongoing holy war over these two calibers. You know who I mean. The camps fall roughly into: "If it ain't a .45 you can't trust it to kill somebody" (Jeff Cooper and ilk) and "Yo, homey, gotta rock out with my 9" (Gansta punks and ilk).
Here's the news, children. Gather round close now. FUCK YOU ALL. First off, the difference between .45s and 9mms is pretty fucking negligible. They're both relatively small, relatively light rounds moving at roughly comparable velocities. If you want guaranteed knock-down power, load up your shotgun with rifled hollow point deer slugs and call it a fucking night. I've had it with this bigger dick firearms mantra.
Here's the thing. If you shoot me in the big toe with a .45 and I shoot you in the heart with a 9mm, I'll limp; you'll die. It all comes down to shot placement, kiddies. The data I've seen show a remarkably similar ratio of one stop hits and kills between .45s and 9s if they're put in the right spots. So stand up, acquire a sight picture and learn to shoot before you blather about bullshit trappings like load weight and entry would channels, okay? If you already know how to shoot, find what works for you in terms of carryability, reliability, comfort and accuracy and, if it's a .22, a .45, a 9mm or a 50AE, you're good to go, caliber-wise.
If , however, you want a firearm that will shoot reliably, comfortably and consistently, eat anything you feed her, take more abuse and punishment than one of de Sade's mistresses and not fail on you no matter what, get to your favorite FFL, plop down the $500 or so and walk out with a Beretta 92FS. You'll never regret it.
M_
(Author's note: Just in the interests of fairness and full disclosure, I have had two pieces of "customization" done on my Beretta: I replaced the standard grips with after-market Hogues for better recoil recovery / minimal sweat-slippage, and I had the lawyer-proofing taken out of the trigger pull. She's now a buttery smooth 10 lb. double action / 3 lb. single.)