"I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way."
- Robert Frost
"May I watch?"
- Me
The Dave Van Death Pool
If you're a fan of online diarists you may already be familiar with
Dave Van. He's an internet journal writer
who obsessively documents his hellish and
"unfulfilled" life
with two uncontrollable—or rather,
uncontrolled—kids,
and a shell-shocked wife. For connoisseurs of schadenfreude, Dave's journals are a
feast, but as each entry gets more horrific than the last, we
have to wonder...
How long can this go on?
I don't know, but it's fun to guess! To that end, I introduce The
Dave Van Death Pool.
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From time to time, Dave throws a little tantrum.
In the past he's taken his page down, sent out emails demanding that
certain people not read it (!), and is now (6/26/00) attempting to make it
"private", viewable only by those who won't criticize it. Don't
worry. He'll be back.
...and less than a month later, he is. And with pictures of his privates! No, I'm not making it up. You can't buy entertainment like this.
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Death
Someone in that family is going to snap. Will it be Dave in the den with a
derringer? The person or persons to most closely guess the:
- killer
- victim(s)
- method
wins the pool, and the other entrants all pledge to make a donation to
C.R.A.C.K. or
Planned Parenthood in the winner's name.
In the unlikely event that Dave's brats make it to the age of 18 without
an act of homicide in the Van household, everybody donates.
| Entrant | Amount |
|---|
| Jason Steiner | $20 |
| Cameron kills himself and his sister by arson. Mom leaves Dave to look after the kids, and he only looks up from the computer in time to save himself. |
| Veronique Chez Sheep | $10 |
| Melanie drowns her brother while they are "watched" by Dave in a public swimming pool. Onlookers applaud. |
| Jonathan Dennis | $10 |
| Cheryl kills Dave with a gun. |
| Hannah Rebecca Bellerue | $20 |
| May 2001 - Dave is electrocuted when Cheryl accidentally knocks the computer into the bathtub. |
| horKK | $10 |
| Cheryl is going to snap like a twig sometime this summer and brain Dave with the first thing she gets her hands on (I envision household electronics, maybe the
VCR). |
| Jim | $10 |
| $10 bucks on Cameron offing Melon with the hammer. | $10 |
Side bet: If Dave survives, will he post pictures of the deceased
on his web site? The corpse, I mean.
| Entrant | Amount | Yes/No |
|---|
| Jason Steiner | $10 | Hell, yes! |
| Veronique Chez Sheep | $10 | No |
| horKK | $10 | No |
| ...but he will post a lengthy, emotional entry devoted to a detailed retelling
of the memorial services. |
| Jim | $10 | Hell, yes. |
Dismemberment
Before they manage to kill each other, it's likely some limbs will be lost.
Under the same terms as those above, name the next major injury
to be inflicted on a member of the Van family by themselves or another family
member. Must result in permanent physical disfunction, so broken bones
probably won't count. (Hint: Little Melanie has already learned to
go for the eyes.)
| Entrant | Amount |
|---|
| Veronique Chez Sheep | $10 |
| Dave is permanently in a wheelchair having lost his right foot and left leg from the knee down after teaching Cameron chain saw safety. |
| Jonathan Dennis | $10 |
| Cameron loses an eye. |
| Hannah Rebecca Bellerue | $20 |
| June 2000 - Damienne claws her brother's eyes out and Dave,
too stupid to realize the little bastard needs glass eyes, shoves painted ping pong balls into the eye sockets. Too bad the paint has lead in it. Suddenly,
Damienne is an only child.. |
| Swan | $10 |
| I predict that one or both of the kids will knock a front tooth out or
break one. Also that the girl will manage to brain the boy with a sharp
heavy object, splitting his scalp. Daddy will come out of his daze long
enough to take the kid to the ER, and will come home and photograph the
blood floor and walls. |
| horKK | $10 |
| In the spirit of "America's Most Heinous Household Emergencies," Cameron will render Dad a permanent soprano during a light-hearted game of catch in the yard. |
Divorce
It's banal, but they might split up and rob us of our fun, so I'll
include that possibility too. Just predict a date, closest prediction
wins, same deal as death & dismemberment.
| Entrant | Amount | Due Date |
|---|
| Jason Steiner | $20 | Feb 3rd, 2002 |
| Veronique Chez Sheep | $10 | September 2001 |
| Cheryl runs off with a CF paramedic after Dave's accident with the chain saw, unable to face having to look after the three of them now. |
| Jonathan Dennis | $10 | August 2001 |
| Cheryl leaves Dave and kids. |
| Swan | $10 | by 2003 |
| These and other stresses will finally cause Cheryl to snap and divorce
Dave. They will have a vicious custody battle (you take the kids! No YOU
take 'em!) and Cheryl will disappear. Dave will never re-marry, but WILL
take up with a strange man who pays DAVE for the chance to "watch the
kids". The kids will grow up with all KINDS of wierd psychological stuff
because of Uncle Whacko's games of "horsie". |
| horKK | $10 | December 2000 |
| ...after another wildly successful Christmas in the Dutch tradition. |
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